If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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