The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
