His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
