So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
