I can text with my tongue
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize