he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
