you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize