Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
