So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
