I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
