My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
