I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
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