i just had sex bonerless
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
