Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
