I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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