Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
