areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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