I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
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