Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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