I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
