I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
