I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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