he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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