in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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