I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
