so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
