Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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