Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
