i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Randomize
