We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
