hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Randomize
