I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
