I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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