Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
