You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
