seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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