I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
My breath smells like gin and sadness
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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