Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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