I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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