somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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