my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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