I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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