no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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