shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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