Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
