i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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