My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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