GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
