This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I need to calm my uterus...
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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