Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize