having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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