they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
i believe in u and ur pee
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
